BeaglesThe following are stories and jokes that I have collected from the internet or I have received from emails. If one of these jokes brings a smile to your face, let us know. If you have a good joke to share, send it to us for posting. Thank you."
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart,
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
Much to his surprise, farmer
Jones was out in the field one morning when a dog
named Bubba came ambling by, singing a song. realizing that he could make a fortune
with a talking dog, he said "Hey, today's February 14. Why don't we go to
town and bet people that you can tell them whose birthday it is?"
The dog was amenable, and they climbed into the farmer's truck. At the
local diner he bet everyone five dollars that he could get the dog to tell them
who was born on this day. However much to the farmer's chagrin, the dog
just sat there.
On the way back to the farm the man said "I ought to whip the tar outta you.
Ya cost me nearly $50 back there."
It's nothing." said Bubba. "Think of the odds we're going get on
Washington's Birthday."
Barking
"A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.'" -- Norm McDonald
A dog walks into a Western Union office to send a telegram.
When the clerk hands him a form, the dog takes a pen in his teeth and slowly
writes "Bow wow wow, bow wow wow, bow wow."
When the clerk takes the form, reads it counts the words and says, "Are you
aware that there are only eight words here, and that you can send ten words for
the same price? Perhaps you’d like to add another ‘Bow wow’?"
"I could," said the dog, "but don’t you think that would sound a little
ridiculous?"
What happened to the dog that ate only garlic and onions?
His bark was worse than his bite.
What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?
A Dogwood.
Why did the policeman give the dog a ticket?
Because he was in a no barking zone!
In what month do dogs bark the least?
February, it’s the shortest month!
What do you call a meeting among many dogs?
A Bow-wow Pow-wow.
How are the center of a tree and dog’s tail alike?
They’re both far from the bark!
Jim: "Don't be afraid of that dog. You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog
doesn't bite!"
Slim: "Yes, you know that proverb, and I know that proverb, but does that dog
know that old proverb?"
Did you hear about the dog that played Bach? He was about to be auditioned by
a TV producer. The dog's agent warned the producer that this was a very
sensitive dog, and that "You had better listen to him play because, if you don't
he loses his temper and leaps at you."
The dog started to play. He was awful. The TV producer patiently waited out the
performance. When it was over, he declared angrily, "I should have let him
attack. I'm sure his Bach is worse than his bite."
Which dogs bark more, old dogs or young dogs?
About arf and arf (half and half)
How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat?
You put him in the front seat.
Where can you leave you dog while shopping?
In the barking lot!
Q: What do dogs and trees have in common?
A: Their bark.
What goes ‘Krab! Krab!’?
A dog barking backwards.
Beagles
What do you call a dog with royal blood?
A regal beagle!
Smart Alec: "How far can a beagle chase a rabbit into the woods?"
Mary: "I suppose it depends on how big the woods is."
Smart Alec: "Oh no it doesn't. A dog can only chase a rabbit half way into the
woods. After that, he's chasing it out."
"Did I ever tell you about my champion beagle winning West Minister?"
"No!" said a fellow rabbit hunter, "And you don't know how much I have
appreciated it."
What do you get if you cross a beagle and bread dough?
Dog Biscuits!
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. ---Snoopy
Q: What do you call a cold beagle sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chilly dog on a bun.
Bed
Q: Why do puppies make better pets than elephants?
A: Try taking an elephant to bed with you and you'll soon find out!
Two mothers were comparing stories about their children.
The first one complained that her son never wanted to get out of bed in the
morning.
The second one told her," I don’t have that problem. When it’s time for my son
to get up, I just throw the cat in his bed."
"How does that help?" asked the first mom.
"He sleeps with the dog."
Why does a dog turn around three times before lying down?
Because one good turn deserves another!
When they go camping, where do dogs sleep?
In pup tents!
Biting
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some
very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager
asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is
your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Bob: "We have a dog named Ginger."
Jack: "Does Ginger bite?"
Bob: "No, Ginger snaps!"
Sally: "Would you like to play with our new dog?"
Jack: "He looks right fierce. Does he bite?"
Sally: "That's what I want to find out!"
Johnny: "Hey, your dog just bit my ankle!
Ann: "Well, what did you expect? She's just a small dog, and she can't reach any
higher."
Mailman: "Your dog bit my leg!"
Woman: "Did you put anything on it?"
Mailman: "No, he seemed to like it just the way it was!"
While a farm worker was walking down a road with a pitchfork on his shoulder.
A large, very fierce dog attacked the man, and the man killed the dog with the
pitchfork. The farm worker was then charged with assault and brought to trial.
"Why did you kill the dog?" demanded the dog owner's lawyer.
"Because he tried to bite me."
"But why did you not go at him with the other end of the pitchfork?"
"Why didn't the dog come at me with his other end?"
"Say, what's the matter with that dog of yours? Every time I come near the
water cooler, he growls."
"Oh, he won't bother you."
"Then what's he growling about?"
"He's probably a little sore because you've been drinking out of his cup."
Mildred Meiers and Jack Knapp, 5600 Jokes for All Occasions
Cat: I get a kick out of my master."
Dog: "When he tries that with me, he gets a bite out of me!"
Blind man on board
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." Wendy Liebman
First woman: Did anything exciting happen with your blind date last night?
Second woman: Yeah, his guide dog bit me.
Boy and Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over,
and, trying to be friendly asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash
your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and
paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer
asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died
but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
"So you're distantly related to the family next door, are you?"
"That's right! Their dog is our dog's brother."
It was "Be Kind to Animals Week" at school and a fourth grader came home full
of exuberance. His curious parent asked what had happened at school that day. He
told them each student had to do something kind for an animal during that week
and what he did really was successful.
"What had he done?" they asked in amazement.
"I kicked a boy for kicking a dog," he replied.
A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better
education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped
theirs. One day he came home from school and said," Mommy, may I relate to you a
narrative?"
"What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.
"A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."
"Oh I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story.
At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said. "Shall I extinguish the
light, Mommy?"
"What's extinguish?" she asked.
"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said the brainy Gerald.
"Oh, I see. Yes, certainly"
The next day the parson came to tea and the family dog began making a nuisance
of himself, as dogs will by begging for treats from the table. "Gerald," said
his mother, trying to impress, "take the dog by the narrative and extinguish
him!"
Mother: "Why are you crying?"
Little boy: "Because I wanted to get a puppy for my new baby sister."
Mother: "Well, that's no reason to cry."
Little boy: "Yes it is! Nobody would trade me!"
After hearing a shot, Todd ran next door to find his best friend Jason
crying.
"Say, what's wrong?"
Jason sobbed "I - I just had to shot my dog."
"My Lord! Was he mad?"
"Well," said Jason "he wasn't exactly thrilled!"
Back before they had special effects in movies, Jackie Coogan played the
titled role of a young orphan in the movie of Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist.
In one scene Jackie was supposed to cry real tears when one of the boys in the
orphanage asked him, "Where’s your mother?"
His reply was supposed to be a sobbing, "my mother is dead!" But Coogan just
couldn’t make the tears. The director, Frank Lloyd, said to him, "Just try to
imagine that your mother is really dead."
But although he tried and tried it just wouldn’t make the tears come. Finally
Coogan asked the director, "Mr. Lloyd, would it be all right if I imagine that
my dog is dead?" And that is how they made that authentic tearful scene.
"Why are you crying little boy?"
"I was thirsty - sob! -sob! - and I swapped my dog for a bottle of Pepsi! Boo
Hoo!"
"And now you wish you had him back, huh?"
"Yessss! Waaaa!"
"Because you realize now how much you love him?"
"No - sob - because I'm thirsty again!"
"My dog's bone idle!"
"Why do you say that?"
"Yesterday I was watering the garden and he wouldn't lift a leg to help me!"
The teacher asked her third grade class to draw a picture of a dog. Going
around she went from student to student giving words of encouragement to each
child. One drawing in particular was almost perfect, so she lavished great
praise upon the little artist.
The boy looked up and said very seriously, "I can’t really draw a dog. So when I
have to draw a dog, I draw a horse and it always looks like a dog.
A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his mother was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of the violin reached the dog’s ears, he began to howl loudly. The mother listened to the dog and the violin as long as she could. Then she jumped up, dropped her paper to the floor, and shouted above the noise, "For goodness’ sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?"
True Story
A 10-year-old boy who had been abandoned by his parents survived for two
years in a cave with a pack of stray dogs who scavenged for food with him and
may even have suckled him, child care workers say.
The boy, thrown out of his home by abusive parents at the age of five, ran with
15 strays in the southern port town of Talcahuano after he escaped from a care
center two years ago.
"He lived in a cave with dogs and roamed the streets for food with them. He
would eat out of garbage cans and find leftovers," Delia Delgatto, head of
Chile's National Child-care Service, told Reuters Monday.
She said earlier reports by the police that the boy had been brought up by dogs
since he was a baby had turned out to be off the mark. "He wasn't reared by the
dogs as such, he lived with them in a cave," she said.
The boy, who has not been named, threw himself into the wintry cold waters of
the southern Pacific Ocean on Saturday to escape from police who had been
alerted to his case by the municipality.
"A police officer dived into the water and saved him," a spokesman for the
police said. He said the dogs looked after the boy: "They were like his family."
The child, dubbed "Dog Boy" by the Chilean media, spent a day in a hospital in
the city of Concepcion and was then taken to a childcare center.
"He's showing signs of depression, is aggressive and is not speaking much
although he does know how to speak," Delgatto said. "He was dressed almost in
rags, was dirty and had filthy hair."
The police spokesman said the boy had drunk milk from the breasts of one of the
female dogs, but Delgatto said she did not know whether he had been suckled or
not. "We can't tell whether he was or wasn't," she said.
Photographs taken on Monday showed the boy, dark skinned with black hair,
holding a child's crayon drawing of a pack of dogs. Two of his front teeth were
broken and he had what appeared to be a scar on his left cheek.
Bulldogs
Old Lady: "Little boy, stop making faces at that poor bulldog!"
Little Boy: "Well, he started it!"
Mrs. Smith's dishwasher quit working, so she called a Repairman. He couldn't
accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work
the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the
way, don't worry about my Bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO
NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he
discovered the biggest and meanest looking Bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman
go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his
incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up,
you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Sic him, Brutus..."
Q. What's the difference between an American Bulldog and a blonde with PMS?
A. An American Bulldog doesn't wear lipstick
A
guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone
book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if
they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a long stick, a Bulldog, a shotgun,
and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm
going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out
of the tree. When he does, the trained Bulldog will move in to lock onto the
gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch
to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"
The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the
tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Bulldog!"
Q. What's the difference between an overzealous tax auditor and an American
Bulldog?
A. An American Bulldog eventually lets go!
A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole
family depart for a night out on the town. As he crept across the darkened
living room he shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed
from the dark: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
Hearing nothing more after a while, he shook his head, clicked the light back on
and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of
the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What stupid person would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same one that would name an American Bulldog, Jesus," the bird
answered.
"Why do Bulldogs have such a flat faces?"
"Chasing parked cars."
Chewing
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I
hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I
placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." What did the puppy say to the shoe?
It’s been nice gnawing you.
A minister preached a very short sermon. He explained, "My dog got into my
office and chewed up some of my notes."
At the end of the service a visitor said "If your dog ever has pups, please let
my pastor have two of them."
What should you do if your dog chews up your favorite book?
Take the words right out of his mouth.
Chihuahua
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Jack Handley
What is confidence?
Confidence is going after Hogzilla with a Chihuahua, a roll of duct tape and a
bottle of barbeque sauce.
"Is it true you’re offering a thousand dollar reward for your mother-in-law’s
lost Chihuahua?"
"Yes, my wife thinks it’s a wonderful gesture on my part, especially since he
bite me the night before his disappearance."
"Wow! I think that’s tremendously forgiving on your part."
"Not really, he’s tied to a cinder block at the bottom of Lake Erie."
One day, Pierre was finally feed up with his wife's Chihuahua messing up the
house so he told his wife he was going to get rid of the dog in the morning. She
said, "Whatever!"
So in the morning, he put the Chihuahua in the car and went 50 miles north put
the dog outside the car and took off. When he gets home the dog is in the
driveway.
Upset he said in the morning he will be going for a ride again to get rid of the
dog. So in the morning he takes the Chihuahua 100 miles north. Puts the dog on
the side of the road and leaves it there. When Pierre got home the dog was in
the driveway.
The next day, Pierre takes the Chihuahua 250 miles away. He goes north, south,
east and west; back tracks and goes in circles. Then he puts the dog on the side
of the road. He sits in his car for an hour. He then calls his wife and says,
"Honey look outside and tell me if you see anything in the driveway?"
She says, "Yes, I see my dog."
Pierre says, "Put the stupid dog on the phone. I’m lost!"
There were these two buddies out walking their dogs, one guy with a
Rottweiler and the other guy with a Chihuahua, when they smelt something
delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Rottweiler says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to
that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Rottweiler says, "Just follow my lead.
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Rottweiler puts on a pair of
dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no
pets allowed."
The guy with the Rottweiler says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Rottweiler?" He says, "Yes, they're using them for
seeing-eye dogs now. They're smart, easily trained and very good."
The guy at the door says, "Well, in that case, come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of
dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Hey, Guy, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, " A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Chinese Crested
While a redneck was waiting for the veterinarian to give his Labrador a
rabies shot, he saw a lady bring in her Chinese Crested dog. Noticing it
shivering and how thin it was, he said, "Ahh! Ya brought him in for the vet to
put little guy, down. Poor little fellow, finally no more pain.
The highly offended lady replied, "Sir, he’s supposed to look like this. He’s a
Chinese Crested.
Showing a disbelieving face, the redneck said, "No! No! That can’t be right."
CIA
I found out my mailman was a CIA agent today, so I told him, "You took a
chance – my Rottweiler is trained to attack strangers."
The mailman said, "Don’t worry about your dog, he’s one of us."
Collies
What is the main ingredient of dog biscuits?
Collie-flour!
One day Lassie went to Denmark and came back a cat.
Most Hollywood dogs don’t bite. That’s because their teeth are capped, and they’re up for a series.
What do you call it when someone wears a dog around their neck?
A neckLassie or a collie!
A man is walking along the beach when he sees an old bottle. Opening it, he
is stunned when a genie appears and says, ‘I’ll grant you any three wishes you
want."
The man says, "Okay, I want something that’ll bring me health, and I want a date
with a movie star."
The man arrives home; there is a knock on the door. On the mat is a fifty-gallon
drum of chicken soup. A second later, the phone rings. It’s Lassie.
Computers
What happened when they crossed a Pitbull with a computer?
Its bark was worse than its megabyte.
Cur
Husband to wife: "If I die, I want you to marry Michael O’Leary!"
Wife: "How come?"
Husband: "Because years ago, he sold me a no account cur dog!"
What do you call a 300-pound Rottweiler with a bad temper?
Sir!
What do you call a 70-pound Cur in a bad mood?
Your Honor!
Teacher: "What does "trickle" mean?"
First Student: "It means to run slowly."
Teacher: "Good. And what does anecdote mean?"
Second Student: "It's a short funny tail."
Teacher: "Well done! Now give me a sentence with both of these words in it."
Third Student: "Our cur dog trickled down the street wagging her anecdote."
First farmer: "I have a cur dog so terrible he scared every single coon off
my farm."
Second farmer: "That's nothin'. My dog is so mean that the coons brought back
the corn they stole last year!"
Why are Cur dogs so bad at math?
They’re always rounding things up.
In hog hunting, there are old dogs, there are bold dogs, but there are no old, bold dogs!
If you hear your cur dog in a scrap, run fast or something will be dead! – Old mountain saying
If you think your cur dog can’t count, take out two treats and only give him one.
When is a yellow dog most likely to enter a house?
When the door is open.
John carries neatness too far. Who else files their spiked dog collars?
This city slicker goes to a small hillbilly town where he rents some dogs for
hunting. He comes back to the general store asking for some more dogs. "What
happened to the others?" the storekeeper asks.
"Oh, I shot those already."
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-
looking cur dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I
walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep
in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day
he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every
afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in
a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Dachshund
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A: Someone told him to get a long, little doggie.
The Dachshund's a dog of German descent;
Whose tail never knew where his front end went.
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another." - Robert Benchley
A woman goes into a pet shop and asks for a dog to keep her company. The
shopkeeper shows her a tiny dachshund.
The woman asks, "Aren’t his legs too short?"
The shopkeeper says, "How can you say that? They all touch the ground at the
same time."
Dalmatian
Ron: I spotted a Dalmatian today.
Don: Don’t be silly. They’re naturally have spots.
Why aren’t Dalmatians any good at hide-and-seek?
Because they’re always spotted.
What do you get when you cross a Dalmatian and a fountain pen?
Ink Spots!
A Dalmatian went to a veterinarian because he thought he needed a checkup.
"What’s wrong? Asked the veterinarian.
"Well, doctor," said the Dalmatian, "every time I look at my wife, I see spots
before my eyes."
"What’s wrong with that?" asked the veterinarian. "You are a Dalmatian.
"What’s that got to do with anything?" asked the leopard. "My wife’s a Collie."
"Yesterday, I spilled a bottle of spot remover on my blue ribbon, Champion
pedigreed Dalmatian."
"Is he all right?"
"I don’t know. I can’t find him. I can hear him, but I can’t see him."
What do you get when you cross a Dalmatian and a dishwasher?
Spots on your dishes!
Q: Why did the Dalmatian need glasses?
A: He was seeing spots.
Difference
between a cat and a dog...
Doberman Pinscher
Little Johnny was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over
the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My hamster died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just
buried him."
The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a hamster, isn't it Johnny?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because
he's still inside your stupid Doberman."
Q. What looks good on a burglar?
A. A Doberman Pinscher.
Dog
in Charge
Dogcatcher
How are dogcatchers paid?
By the pound.
"Hello Animal Control, I've lost my dog and ..."
"I'm sorry Madam. But its after three P.M. and we're closed"
"But you don't understand... this is a very intelligent dog. He's almost
human. He can practically talk."
"Well. you'd better hang up, Madam. He may be trying to call you right
now."
Eating
Grouchy Feminist: "Give me two pounds of dog food right now!"
Salesclerk: "Certainly, Madam. Shall I wrap it up or will you eat it here?"
A Company is making a fortune with a new dog food. It tastes like a mailman.
The company JAU came up with a new dog food. The company’s executive
vice-president is trying to get his salesmen excited about the product. "Which
dog food is the result of ten years of research and development?"
"Ours," the salesmen yell.
"Which dog food has been tested in fifty markets?"
"Ours!"
"Which dog food has the highest nutritional value?"
"Ours!"
"So how come it isn’t selling?"
One salesman says, "Because dogs hate it!"
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A man tasted some of his dog’s pet food and liked it.
The doctor told his
wife that it would kill him. And it did.
After he’d eaten it for a week, he got
to chasing cars and ran himself to death.
He was so poor that if somebody threw the family dog a bone, the dog had to signal for a fair catch.
"I’m afraid you’re going to have to diet," said the vet pointing to the
overweight poodle.
"Okay," said the poodle owner. "What color?"
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was
a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the
dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes
ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a
bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really
delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the
hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Bubba: "We have a new dog!"
Jim: "What's she like?"
Bubba: "Anything we feed her!"
A scientist taught his Rottweiler to go for food when he heard the bell. One day, the dog ate the door-to-door salesman.
My dog ate my homework
"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to
believe that story?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he
ate it!"
Will: "My dog ate my reading book."
Bill: "What did you do about it?"
Will: "I took the words right out of his mouth!"
Due to the high cost of beef, the Orientals have came up with a new concept in eating; "wokking the dog".
A Rottweiler and a Rabbit enter a very elegant restaurant. After the Rabbit
has studied the menu for a few minutes, the waiter comes by to take their order.
Water: "What will you have?"
Rabbit: "I think I will start with the spinach salad, then I’ll have your
cabbage soup, the roasted carrots, some corn, a glass of milk and some vanilla
ice cream for dessert."
Waiter: "And your friend the Rottweiler? What will he have?"
Rabbit: "Just bring him a glass of water."
Waiter: "Are you sure he isn’t hungry?"
Rabbit: "Look, if the Rottweiler were hungry do you think I’d be sitting at the
same table with him?"
The newly married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in
a flood of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.
"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very
first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the
phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I
found that the dog had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can always get you a
new dog."
I know I’m a lousy cook but I didn’t realized how bad until the other night when I caught the dog calling Chicken Delight.
Fleas
Then there was the dog that went to the flea circus and stole the show...
Two fleas came out of a movie theater. They saw it was raining outside, so one flea says to the other, "Do you want to walk, or should we take a dog?"
Dog: "Where do fleas go in winter?"
Cat: "Search me!"
What kind of market does a dog hate?
A flea market.
"I want you to keep that dog out of the house. It's full of fleas."
"Rex, stay out of the house. It's full of fleas."
Q: How do you start a flea race?
A: One, two flea, go!
German
Shepherd Dog
You Have Reached Spot's Stomach. No One Is Available... -- MOMBASSA, Kenya
- Kamal Shah lost his mobile phone. Most people would search their homes, cars
or workplaces. In fact, Shah thought he had left it on his bedside table and
presumed his son had taken it. However, the phone turned up in the unlikeliest
spot. When he called the mobile number from his regular line, his dog's stomach
started ringing. The event was so unexpected Shah commented, "It sent me into
shock." The German Shepherd named Snoopy had swallowed it. During an operation,
the phone was removed.
A scientist taught his German Shepherd Dog to go for food when he heard a bell. One day the dog ate a door-to-door salesman.
"Is it true that you took your blind Uncle Charlie skydiving, and he loved
it?"
"Yep. He said it was the funniest thing he had ever done."
"Do you plan to take him again?"
"No chance."
"But if he enjoyed it, why not?"
"Have you ever heard a German Shepherd Dog scream at 20,000 feet.
What’s pink and soft and found between a German Shepherd’s teeth?
Slow runners!
Three candidates arrive at a house where on the gate is a large
"BEWARE OF THE DOG".
The Democrat candidate says: "you wait here, my party is friendly to animals."
as he opens the gate and walks up the path.
No sooner has the Democrat rang the door when around the corner comes a huge
German Shepherd Dog which duly chases the candidate over the fence leaving the
Dog only a piece of trousers as a memento.
The Republican says: "You've got to be firm with animals, and holding his
Umbrella ready to fend off an attack walks calmly toward the door. But alas, the
German Shepherd Dog is having none of it and just like the other candidate, the
Republican is left umbrella-less, with a torn suit and damaged pride.
The Independent candidate, says to the others, "you're going about this the
wrong way, it’s all to do with presentation! Hand me your pen!", he writes on
his hand, jumps over the gate and as the dog rushes toward him he thrusts his
hand into its mouth.
The two other candidates watch horrified as the animal starts to bite the hand,
but suddenly the German Shepherd yelps, spits out the hand and runs away.
The Democrat and Republican wait in bewilderment for the Independent candidate
to finish talking at the door, and as he opens the gate they both ask: "How did
you do that?". The Independent candidate shows them his hand:
"NO NEW TAXES’, Not even a German Shepherd would swallow that!"
What do you call a dog with the flu?
A germy shepherd
Why don’t German Shepherds eat clowns?
They taste funny!
God & Dog...
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet
dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest,
saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the
church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece,
and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the
animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $1,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Greyhound
I bet on a good dog in the greyhound races today. It took eleven other dogs to beat him.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When he’s a greyhound.
A man with a greyhound in his car stopped at a gas station to get gas. While
he was talking to the attendant, the tank overflowed and left a puddle. The dog
jumped out of the car, lapped up the gas and took off. The station attendant and
the man raced after the dog and found him lying in the street.
"Is he dead?" the attendant asked.
"No, he’s just out of gas." The man replied.
I never realized that a dog is man’s best friend until I started betting the horses.
Holidays
Who brings dogs their Christmas gifts?
What do you get when you cross a Pointer and a Setter?
A Poinsetter; a traditional Christmas pet
Hot Dogs
Q: What kind of a dog would a person bite?
A: A hot dog!
Nicole: "My dog has a fever."
Jean: "What did you do about it?"
Nicole: "I rubbed him with mustard."
Jean: "Mustard? Why mustard?
Nicole: "I always put mustard on my hot dog."
Hound
I had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all I had to do was show
it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a
coon the exact size of that board.
Well, one day my wife happened to set the ironing board out on the porch to
clean it and I ain't seen that hound since!
If thine enemy offends thee, buy his children crayons, drums, and a walker puppy.
Old Ben Carter went hunting with his friend Jim Frazier. Jim was surprised to
see Ben come out with his two dogs and a monkey. "What’s the monkey for?" asked
Jim
"I saw Jake McConkley hunt with him, and he’s good. He gets right into the tree
where the dogs have the quarry cornered and shoots him close range. He hates
raccoons. I paid a fortune for him."
The two men take off. About an hour later, the dogs take a trail. When the men
catch up, they see the dogs are barking up a storm at an old oak tree. No doubt
there’s a coon up there.
Ben hands the gun to the monkey, who take off and is up the tree in a trice. A
minute later the monkey comes back down. Without any hesitation, he aims the gun
and shoots the dogs dead.
"What did he do that for?"
Ben says, "There was nothing up that tree. If there’s one thing he hates worse
than a coon, it’s liars."
Then there was this neurotic Bloodhound. He thought that people were following him.
A hunter got a dog with the agreement that if he was satisfied after hunting
him for a week he'd buy him. At the end of the week he took him back to the
owner and complained. "He works well enough," said the hunter, "but he won't
hold his head up, and I think there must be something wrong with him."
"Don't worry about his not holding his head," explained the owner, "it's just
his pride -- he'll hold his head up when he's been paid for!"
What is the hound’s favorite hotel?
The Howladay Inn!
An American went on his first fox hunt in "Jolly ol" England. When it was over, his host takes aside and says. "Look, when we first see the fox, we say ‘Tallyho,’ not ‘There goes the dirty, little son of a b####."
Ron:
I can pick up a quarter with my toes.
Don: Big deal! My dog can pick up a scent with his nose!
Why is the nose in the middle of a hound’s face?
Because it’s the scenter!
What’s the only thing louder than a hound baying?
A whole pack of hounds.
What breed of dog does Dracula own?
A Bloodhound!
What do you call an over weight dog?
A round hound.
Husband to wife: "Your momma's starting to look like my hound Blue!"
Wife: "Shhh! Don’t you care what you say could hurt someone’s feelings?"
Husband: "Don’t worry about that. Blue is down at the barn."
What did a dog’s right eye say to his left eye?
Just between us, something smells.
Labrador Retriever
What do you get if you cross a black hunting dog with a telephone?
A Labrador receiver.
Now Here's A Real Lucky Dog.
EASTBOURNE, Great Britain - Who says only cats have nine lives? Obviously not
Henry, a retriever that fell 140 feet off the Seven Sisters cliffs in
Eastbourne, Great Britain. The playful pooch went over the edge of the cliff
while chasing a seagull. Owner Louise Chavannes obviously feared the worst as
she ran down hundreds of steps and along half a mile of beach to reach him. "I
couldn't bear the thought of his body floating in the sea and I was convinced he
was dead. But when I got to the point where he had jumped I saw his body moving
and he was swimming to the shore. I just could not believe it," Chavannes
gushed. Henry suffered a broken leg in the fall and had to have a metal plate
and artificial tendons in his front right leg.
A duck was swimming in the lake and a dog was sitting on its tail. How could
this be?
The dog was on the shore sitting on its own tail.
Farmer Jones was the most negative man in the world. Farmer Smith was his
next door neighbor and a very happy fellow.
"Ain't it a beautiful day?" Farmer Smith would smile
"Huh! " replied Farmer Jones "If it don't rain soon the corns going to burn"
Next day: "Ain't' it nice it's raining?" asked Farmer Smith
"Huh! If it don't stop soon the corn's going to drown" replied Farmer Jones.
One thing the two had in common was their love of duck hunting. They would
compete vigoursly every season and took pride in their hunting dogs. Yes, every
year Farmer Jones proved to be the best man with the best dogs.
Then, one year, Farmer Smith got the best hunting dog he had ever come across.
"Just wait until Farmer Jones sees this-he's has say something positive"
And so they went duck hunting. As luck would have it, a flock of ducks flew
overhead, Farmer Smith took a shot and a duck dropped right in the middle of the
pond.
"Watch this." he grinned at Farmer Jones. "Dawg-go get that duck" he ordered his
new dog.
The dog ran nimbly to the edge of the pond, and without breaking stride, walked
on top of the water, picked the duck up, walked back to shore and deposited the
duck at Farmer Smith's feet, with not a feather out of place.
"Well" smiled Farmer Smith "What do you think of my new dog?
"Huh!" answered Farmer Jones "dumb dog can't even swim."
The insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life
insurance policy. "Now supposing your husband were to die," he said, "what would
you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador, I think." replied the housewife. "They're always good company!"
Mike selling dog: Did you like the story about the dog that ran two miles to
retrieve a stick?
Ike, not buying dog or story: No! I thought it was too far fetched.
Why did the dog jump into the river?
He wanted to chase the catfish!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at
the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them
out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat
jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and
back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,
jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just
to tell me my duck is dead?!!".
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have
been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!!
Did you hear about the little yellow dog that died at the party?
He Odied!
Mastiff
How do you know there’s a Mastiff under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling!
Why did the Mastiff paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!
Have you ever seen a Mastiff in a cherry tree?
It works, doesn’t it!
Why are Mastiffs so wrinkly?
They’re too big to fit on the ironing board.
What’s as big as a Mastiff and doesn’t weigh anything?
His shadow!
What do you call a Mastiff in a Volkswagen?
Stuck!
What do you call a Mastiff on the run?
An earthquake!
A policeman noticed an old man and a Mastiff walking along the sidewalk. They
walk for ten feet and stop, then walk another ten feet and stop, and so on...
The policeman asked the old man, "What’s the matter old timer, out of breath?"
"No son, but my dog is a little hard of hearing. He’s afraid I’ll say "sit" and
he won’t hear me, so he keeps stopping to listen."
What do you call a Mastiff on a bike?
Wheelie dangerous!
Where do you find a lost Mastiff?
Where you left it!
You don’t need good manners if you’re a two hundred-pound dog.
A Mastiff’s affection increases in direct proportion to how muddy or wet it is.
I took my Mastiff to obedience school. I learned how to fetch two hours before he did.
What is the best way to raise a Mastiff?
With a crane.
We just got a Mastiff. I think the house will be broken before he is.
Names
Nice Dog. What’s his name?" I asked my friend’s 10-year old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And your cat?"
"Bob."
"How do you keep them straight?"
"Well one is Bob Cat and the other id Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Tell him your rabbit’s name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper." - Mike Harrelson
Johnny: "If I say, "Here Rover, here boy," would your dog come to me?
Ann: "No, he wouldn't."
Johnny: "Why not?"
Ann: "Because his name is Fred!"
I call my dog Camera because he's always snapping.
"Why do you call your dog Mechanic?"
"Because every time I throw something at him, he makes a bolt for the door!"
Two dogs met and one asked the other, "What's your name?"
The other dog said, "I'm not sure but I think it's 'Down Boy."
I call my dog Handy because he's always doing odd jobs around the house.
I call my dog Seiko because he's a watch dog.
"What's your dog's name?"
"I don't know. He won't tell me."
Q: What did the man say when his dog ran away?
A: Dog gone!
What are the names of your puppies?
Skippy and Rover.
Which one is Rover?
The one next to Skippy.
Why do you call your dog "Fried Egg?"
Because he rolls over easy.
Which dogs make the best ambassadors?
Diplomutts.
What do you call a dog that woke up too early?
A groggy doggy!
What do you get when you cross a dog and a journalist?
A rover reporting!
What do you call a dog that helps you carry hot things?
An oven mutt!
What do you get when you cross Lassie and a petunia?
A collie flower!
A Pekinese married a Tomcat. Now they have a Peking Tom
What would you get if you crossed a beagle with a giraffe?
A dog that barks at airplanes.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a duck?
A duckshund.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a cat?
A pet that chases itself.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a toad?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What do you get when you cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso?
A Collapso; a dog that folds for easy transportation.
What is the caterpillar's worst enemy?
A Dogerpiller.
What do you call a dog that likes to fight?
A Boxer.
What do you call a dog that just arrived from "the Big Apple"?
A New Yorkie.
What do you call a hungry dog?
A Chow hound.
What do you call a dog that weighs 500 pounds, has razor sharp teeth and an
attitude problem?
Don’t call him anything. Run!
Teacher: "Shirley, what is the Dog Star?"
Shirley: "Rin Tin Tin!"
What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker.
Newspaper
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog.
He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers.
Two young boys are walking down the street. Out of an alley runs a rabid
Doberman and attacks the second boy. Thinking quickly, the first boy rips off a
board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking
the dog's neck.
A reporter from the St. Louis Post Dispatch gets wind of the story and requests
an interview from the 1st boy. He runs the story on the front page and the
headline reads: Rams Fan Bravely Saves Friend's Life From A Vicious Doberman.
The boy calls the reporter and says, "I'm not a Rams fan." The reporter says,
"Well, I just thought that since you are from St. Louis that you would be a Rams
fan. I'll correct the mistake in tomorrow's paper."
The next day the front page reads: Chiefs Fan Bravely Saves Friend's Life From
Vicious Doberman. The boy calls the reporter and says, "I'm not a Chiefs fan
either!" The reporter says, "Are you a fan of football at all?"
The boy says, "Yes. In fact, I am a die hard Cowboys fan."
The reporter agrees to note the change in the next day's newspaper.
The next day the front page reads: Red Neck Scoundrel Kills Beloved Family Pet!
I have a slow dog.
How can you tell?
He brought me yesterday’s newspaper.
Policewoman; "Your dog has been chasing the newspaper boy on a bicycle."
Dog Owner: "That’s baloney. My dog doesn’t know how to ride a bicycle."
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 stupid dog.
German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
For Sale: Purebred Great Dane. Eats Anything. Fond of children.
Found: Dirty Little White Dog, Looks Like A Rat. Been Out A While. Better
Be A Big Reward
Free Farm Puppies. Mother, Purebred Border Collie. Father, Sneaky Neighborhood
Dog.
Free Farm Puppies. Ready To Eat.
Lost: Three-legged dog, tail broken, blind in right eye. Left ear missing.
Recently neutered. Answers to the name "Lucky." Reward. Call 555-1212.
Thoroughbred Mastiff puppies. $1200. Will be BIG. (Talk about dogs as big
as a horse.)
"I've lost my dog!"
"Well, put an ad in the newspaper."
"Don't be silly, my dog can't read."
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be
delivered.
The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had
ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by
calling that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Madam," he replied. "He's in the Secret
Service."
Pet Store
Sign in pet store, "Must move – Lost our leash!"
A dad goes into a pet store and asks if he can return the puppy he got for
his son.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but we’ve already sold your son to someone
else."
Boy: "How much are the puppies in the window?"
Store Clerk: "Five hundred dollars a piece"
Boy: "Wow! How much for a whole one?"
Girl: "I want some booties for my poodle's birthday."
Store Clerk: "You'll have to bring her in to try some on?"
Girl: "I can't do that! I want them to be a surprise!"
Customer: "Are you sure this dog is loyal?"
Pet store clerk: "Sure. I’ve sold him five times this month."
Pointer
Orville: "I have a bird dog named Ball Point."
Wilbur: "Ball Point? That's a funny name for a bird dog.
Orville: "That's his pen name."
In a school for hunting dogs. A man is watching a demonstration. The hunting
dog he’s interested in buying is being put through its paces. It runs into a
clump of bushes and returns and wags its tail once.
The trainer explains, "There’s one bird in that clump." Sure enough, a bird
flies up and out of the bush.
The trainer points to a second clump. The dog returns and wags its tail twice.
Sure enough, two birds fly out.
After two more clumps, the dog returns from the fifth bush with a stick, which
he shakes and drops at his trainer’s feet.
The customer asks, "What does that mean?"
"It means that clump has more birds than you can shake a stick at."
Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies
over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he
could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on Saturday.
Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had
ever hunted with a dog.
Bob said "Oh sure, I grew up hunting with a dog."
"Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed.
Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in
the truck. "Good luck", Joe said, "I hope you brought plenty of shells, see you
later."
That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how
many did you get?", Joe asked.
"We didn't get any" Bob shouted.
"That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed.
Bob said, "Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let
out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had
his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight down, his back was
straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was
lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in his
backside broke him of that mess".
How was your hunting trip?
That bird dog you loaned me ruined the whole trip.
What? That’s impossible. That dog loves to hunt.
Oh Yeah? He knocked over my shotgun and blew a hole in the back of my new pickup
truck.
Well, I said he loved to hunt. I didn’t say he was a good shot.
Jack: Is your dog a pointer?
Mack: No, he’s a disappointer
What kind of dog flies?
A bird-dog!
"You say ‘Ol’ Howler’ was the best hunting dog you ever saw?"
"No doubt about it. Once, Howler and me was quail hunting’, and Howler burrowed
in to this big ol’ brush pile, and out came a quail, and I got it. Pretty soon
out come another quail, and I got it; then out come another quail, and I got it;
then out come another quail, and I got it…"
"Wait a minute. I’ve never known quail to take off one at a time. I thought they
all took off at once."
"So did I, so after I’d got my limit, I dug into that brush pile to see what was
going on. Ol’ Howler had trapped them quail in a rabbit hole and covered ‘em
with his paws. He was letting ‘em out one at a time to make it easier to shoot."
Police
What do you call a police dog?
A copper spaniel!
It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the
station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a
little boy staring in at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
What happened to the man who stole your dog?
He was charged with pet-ty theft.
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the
phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband
there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar
in it."
During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman
signals a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asks why he has been
stopped, the officer points to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does
your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He’s not old enough and I always do the driving."
Q: What kind of dog hands out tickets?
A: A police dog!
Tim: "My dog tried to arrest me for crossing the street against the light."
Kim: "You mean he tried to stop you from crossing the street."
Tim: "No, he tried to arrest me. He's a police dog."
Poodle
Psychiatrists
Have you made any progress since you first came to me and told me you kept
thinking you were a dog?
A little, I’ve stopped chasing cars.
Doctor: "And what is your difficulty?"
Patient: "I just feel like a dog."
Doctor: How long have you felt this way?"
Patient: "Since I was a puppy."
Patient: "I went to a psychologist for six months. I thought I was a dog."
Friend: "Well, are you okay now?"
Patient: "I sure am. Here feel my nose."
Puppy
How To Photograph A New Puppy...
We got a dog from the pound. We figured if we couldn’t have one naturally, adoption was in order.
What has two eyes like a dog, four legs like a dog, looks like dog, but is
not a dog?
A puppy.
Q: Why is a lazy dog like a hill?
A: Because it's a slow pup (slope up).
Which dogs are the quietest?
Hush Puppies.
What is a puppy after she’s five months old?
Six months old.
What do dogs have that no other animal have?
Puppies!
PUPPY LOVE by: Joseph J. Mazzella
My dogs are some of my greatest teachers when it comes to love. When I get home
I can always expect to hear them barking joyously and bouncing back and forth
happily. They are always delighted to see me no matter what mood I’m in. They
are always ready to be touched, hugged, and petted on. My littlest one takes
great pleasure in jumping on my lap and licking me on the chin. Everyday and in
every way my dogs show me a love that is both joyful and unconditional.
We all should take a lesson or two from our puppy professors. We all should see
that it is far more joyful to love unconditionally than it is to place limits on
our love. The great Leo Buscaglia once said that, when you cease placing
conditions on your love you have taken a giant step toward learning to love. I
would also say that when you cease placing conditions on your joy and happiness
you have taken a giant step toward learning to be joyous and happy. Dogs seen to
know this instinctively. They don’t wait for conditions to be right before they
wag their tails and give you their love. They don’t wait for good news to play
and have fun. They don’t wait for the perfect moment to be happy. They instead
revel in each and every moment that they are given.
Don’t be afraid to take a dog’s advice then. Don’t be afraid to enjoy a sunny
day or play in the grass. Don’t be afraid to forgive easily and completely.
Don’t be afraid to find joy and happiness in the present moment. Don’t be afraid
to give love expecting nothing in return.
I think that the reason so many of us love dogs is the same reason that God gave
us dogs in the first place: they show us how to love and how to live. May all of
us live as joyfully and as lovingly as a playful puppy.
Mrs. Brown was very upset with little Jimmy, saying, "This composition about
a puppy is exactly like your brother’s."
Jimmy said, "Of course! It’s the same puppy!"
Rabbit
"I hear the rabbit hunting was good last season."
"It sure was. I ate so much rabbit meat that every time I heard a dog bark, I
ran under a brush pile."
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed
my dog dragging something under the fence.
Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10
year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its
cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different
and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it
off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf
blower.
After finishing it's grooming, I hopped the fence and replaced it back in its
cage and hoped its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the
hammock and my JD.
Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the
little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she
stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor
that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up
a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
If rabbits were smart, they wouldn’t run from dogs. They’d just stop for forty seconds and outnumber them.
Rottweiler
What is the safest way to talk to an angry Rottweiler?
By long distance telephone.
What do you give a very sick Rottweiler?
Plenty of room.
How do you pet a very angry Rottweiler?
Very, very carefully.
Q: What's the difference between a social worker and a Rottweiler?
A: The Rottweiler eventually gives the child back
One man visits a Rabbi and asks him to circumcise his dog.
-In no case, answers the Rabbi exasperatedly. -Such a blasphemy!
The man explains he'll pay ten thousand dollars cash. The Rabbi hesitates and
asks:
-Oh, and what sort of dog is it?
-Rottweiler, answers the man.
-Rottweiler, Rottweiler, the Rabbi thinks aloud. -This is a nice
Jewish name, isn't it?
If a Rottweiler came charging right at you, what steps would you take?
Very long ones!
Bob: What do you do if a Rottweiler attacks you?
Elysa: I don’t know. What do you do?
Bob: Use the buddy system.
Elysa: The buddy system?
Bob: Certainly! When a Rottweiler attacks, throw him your buddy.
What time is it when a Rottweiler swallows your watch?
Time to get a new watch.
Rottweiler: What’s the difference between a Pitbull?
Poodle: Between a Pitbull and what?
Rottweiler: I ain't giving any hints.
Teacher: What is your favorite breed of dog?
Laura: The Rottweiler!
Teacher: Great! Please spell it.
Laura: I’ve changed my mind. My favorite dog breed is the Pug.
Teacher: How do you spell Rottweiler?
Laura: R-O-T-W-E-L-L-E-R!
Teacher: I’m sorry, but that’s not correct.
Laura: But you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: How do you spell Rottweiler?
Laura: R-O-W-E-I-L-E-R!
Teacher: What happened to the T’s?
Laura: I guess a golfer took them.
Gretchen: Don’t be afraid of my Rottweiler, Fritz. He’ll eat off your hand.
Hans: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Where does a Rottweiler plug in his computer?
Anywhere he wants to.
What would you get if you crossed a Rottweiler and a cow?
An animal too mean to milk!
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a camera?
A Snapshot!
What would you do if a two hundred-pound Rottweiler sat in front of you at
the movies?
Miss most of the movie.
What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and an ice cream cone?
Frost bite!
Why did the Rottweiler marry the Labrador?
He found her very fetching.
When you see three Rottweilers all wearing black leather collars with spikes,
what is the first thing you can tell?
They’re all on the same team!
Why don’t many Rottweilers go to college?
Because not many graduate from high school!
What did the Rottweiler call his girl friend?
My fear lady!
How can you tell if a Rottweiler likes you?
He’ll take another bite!
Don: "Your wife seems to get along well with your pet Rottweiler. I guess
that’s because no one would want to argue wit two hundred pounds of unstoppable
fury."
Ron: "Hey, watch it! That’s my sweetie you’re talking about."
A candidate is going from door to door giving out campaign literature. When
he reaches a corner house and rings the doorbell, he is set on by a large
Rottweiler. Discretion being the better part of valor, he starts to run, with
the dog in pursuit. Opening the door, the lady of the house yells, "What are you
running for?"
The candidate yells back, "Alderman, fourth district."
Sheepdogs
Over the public address system came the following announcement: "Here is the results of today's sheepdog trials. All the sheepdogs have been found not guilty."
Short Tales
Mother: "Billy, did you pull that dog's tail?"
Billy: "No Mom, I didn't pull her tail. I was standing on it and she pulled it
herself."
A father promised to buy his son a puppy. So they went to the dog kennel to look over the ones for sale. When the father asked his son which puppy he'd like, he pointed to a pup that constantly barked and wagged his tail and said, "I want the one with the happy ending."
Q: When is a dog's tail like a farmer's cart?
A: When it's a-waggin'.
Q: If a dog lost his tail where could he get another one?
A: At the retail store!
A visitor to Gretchin's house mentioned at lunch how friendly her dog was.
"He's wagging his tail and sitting up all the time!" said the visitor, pleased.
"I'm not surprised," said Gretchin. "You're eating off his plate."
What follows a dog wherever he goes?
His tail, of course.
What did the dog say when his tail was caught in the door?
It won’t be long now!
Why does a dog wag his tail?
Because no one else will wag it for him!
Signs
Sign on Ranch in Texas;
"Trespassers will be prosecuted
To the fullest extent of one mean Rottweiler."
Sign on trailer in Louisiana.
"Beware of owner! Never mind the dog!"
Sign at a veterinarian's office;
"BACK IN 5 MINUTES, SIT, STAY!"
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary
school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve
the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones,
Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
Sign on a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Sign on a door:
"My Chinese Crested may be small but he knows Kung Fu."
Bumper sticker in Montana
The keys to this truck are on the front seat.
Right next to my Black Mouth Cur.
In Mississippi
You can take my dog when you pry his chain from my cold, dead fingers.
On a veterinary clinic marquee, in Tulsa, Oklahoma;
"No littering. Have your pet spayed here."
Small Dogs
What would you get if you crossed a chili pepper, a steam shovel and a
Chihuahua?
A hot-diggity-dog!
A
man walks into a bar and asks, "Does anyone in here own that big black dog
outside?"
A huge biker stands up and says, "Yeah, I do! What about it?"
"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him…"
"What are you talking about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your
little runt kill my dog, Brutus? He’s one hundred and twenty pounds of pure
muscle.
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!"
We finally found a house we could afford. We’re negotiating. Right now a Chihuahua named FiFi owns it.
Even the tiniest poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart.
Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within
Even the tiniest poodle is lionhearted, ready to do anything to defend home,
master, and mistress.
Louis Sabin, All About Dogs As Pets
I bought a lapdog last week, but every time I try to sit on his lap, he bites me.
Benjie met a bear.
The bear was bulgy.
The bulge was Benjie.
What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Rooster?
A Cockapoodledoo.
What dog loves to take baths?
A Shampoodle.
Haughty Lady: "Little girl, I'm looking for a very small brown dog with one
eye."
Saucy Girl: "If he's very small dog, you better use both eyes!"
What do you have to be careful not to step on when it’s raining cats and
dogs?
A poodle!
What would you get if you crossed a mutt and a poodle?
A muddle.
What do you call a really happy feist?
A merrier terrier.
Joe: "Hey! Your dog just bit me on my ankle!"
Jane: "Well, he’s too short to reach your knee!"
In the park a man sat down on a bench and started eating his hot dog and
french fries. It wasn’t long before a lady came along with a small dog that was
very interested in what the man was eating.
The dog kept jumping on the man and yelping.
"Excuse me madam," said the man. Would you mind if I threw you dog a little
bit?"
"Not at all." replied the lady.
So the man picked up her dog and threw it over the wall behind him.
A woman saw a man walking his Jag Terrier in the park. It was running back
and forth all over the sidewalk, barking and tangling up the man’s legs. The
owner said, "Now, Jason, keep calm. Now, Jason, control yourself. Now, Jason,
it’s only for a little longer."
The woman was amazed and said, "I’m impressed by your patience with little
Jason."
The man turned to her red faced and said, "Lady, I’m Jason."
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice little doggie" until you find a large enough rock.
Paddy is in customs at Heathrow, when he notices a policeman in the full swat
gear. You know; pistol on hip, machine-gun over the shoulder, nightstick down
the leg, full body armor and a Yorkshire terrier at his feet!
Paddy laughing says to the Cop, "Is that there dog an attack dog, or is that
there an attack dog?"
"No, Paddy, it's a bloody sniffer dog and the best there is at that! Watch him
as the cases come through," says the Cop.
The dog jumps on a brown case, sniffs it, returns to the Cop, and then rubs its
left ear against his right ankle.
"That's cannabis," says the Cop. Sure enough there's cannabis in the case!
The dog jumps on a pink case, sniffs it, returns, and rubs its right ear against
his left ankle.
"That's cocaine," says the Cop. Sure enough, there's coke in the case!
Off the dog goes again, jumps onto a black case, somersaults through the air,
hits the Cop in the face, slides down his chest and lands squarely between his
ankles.
Amazed at the dog’s gymnastics, Paddy asks, "What kind of drug is that then?"
"You thick head, Paddy," says the Cop, "that's not a drug; it's a bloody bomb!"
Song
and Dance
When Joe was a little boy, he took fiddle lessons. One day while he was
practicing, scraping dismally back and forth with his bow, His dog set a
plaintive wailing and howling. Finally his sister, Joan, who was talking to a
girl friend on the telephone, stuck her head into the room where her brother was
practicing.
"For goodness sakes!" she complained. "Can't you play something the dog doesn't
know?"
Store Clerk: "Yes, I have a singing dog and cat for sale."
Buyer: "Do they really sing?"
Store Clerk: "Well, to tell you the truth, the dog is a ventriloquist!"
Q: Why don't dog make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
How do dogs dance in the Wizard of Oz?
On their Tippy Totos.
Talking Dog
"Does your dog have a pedigree?"
"Has she! If she could talk, she wouldn’t speak to either one of us."
The scene: It's 1882 and a hot, dusty summers day in Dodge City. Suddenly at
the edge of town, appears a 3-legged dog astride a large white horse. Women and
children run in fear.
The 3-legged dog rides up to the saloon and goes inside. He walks to the bar and
says "gimme a shot of red-eye".
Shaking and quivering the bartender pours a glass of whiskey. The 3-legged dog
throws it back and says "gimme another".
Shaking and quivering, the bartender pours another. The 3-legged dog slams it
down and turns to look at the crowd.
The Sheriff makes his way through the crowd and faces the 3-legged dog. "We
don't get many 3-legged dogs around here, what's your business?"
The 3-legged pushes away from the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who
shot my Paw".
Why do dogs growl at cats?
Because they don’t know any dirty words.
A man wanted to adopt a dog. So he checked his local paper to see what was available. Listed was "Talking Dog needs good home" and a street address. So the man goes over to the house listed in the paper and knocks on the door. Another man answers. "Are you the person with the talking dog?" the first man asks.
"Yes I am. He's in the back yard if you want to see him." says the second.
So the first man goes to the backyard, where he finds a dog lying next to a dog house. Feeling kind of silly the man asks the dog, "Are you really a talking dog?" And to the man's amazement the dog answers "Why, yes I am."
Well the man can hardly believe his ears. The man says "Wow your really a talking dog. Why aren't you in the circus or show business?"
"Shish" says the dog. "Not so loud. You see, I used to be in the CIA"
"The CIA?"
"Yeah. The CIA. You see I was a spy in Russia. No one in Russia suspected a talking dog. How do you think we found out about those Cuban Missiles?"
"Wow" says the man.
"Then I was sent to Israel. Busted 100 terrorists planning to blow up an airplane"
"That's amazing!" said the man
"But of all the things I've done and seen it's the time I saved 200 kids in an orphanage from a volcano, that I remember best. You see being a talking dog, I could tell the people about the approaching lava, and saved all their lives."
" I can't believe I'm standing here, talking to a true American hero." Says the man. And with that he goes back to the house and knocks on the door again. And again, the second man answers.
"Well what do you think?" says the second man.
"He's amazing! How much to you want for him?"
"How about 10 dollars." says the second man.
"10 dollars! Only 10 dollars for that dog. Why so cheep?" says the first.
"Did he tell you about his time in the CIA?"
"He sure did!"
"And did he tell you about the terrorists?"
"Uh huh."
"What about the orphans? Did he tell you about the volcano?"
"Yes he did. That was such a touching story"
"Well...He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to
hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years
old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's
best to just let sleeping dogs lie."
A ventriloquist walks into a bar with a small dog. Putting the dog on the
top of the bar, he asks for a scotch and soda.
The dog says, "I'll have a ginger ale."
Another customer looks up, amazed. "Does that dog talk?"
The dog says, "I certainly do!"
The customer says, "Wow! I must have that dog. Sell me that dog.
I'll pay you anything."
The ventriloquist say, "How about a thousand dollars?"
"Done!" The customer whips out his bankroll and manages to come up with
the money. The ventriloquist pushes the dog over toward him.
The dog says, "Just for that, I'll never say another word for the rest of my
life!
"What’s better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
In a totally empty restaurant a Rottweiler comes in, walks up to the bar and
orders a beer. The bartender thinks, "hmmm, maybe I can make my day with that
dog". He gives the dog his ordered beer and says to the dog: "20 bugs please".
The dog is giving him the 20 dollars and orders another beer, the bar tender
says: "that's 20 bugs again boy".
It went on that way until the dog drank 5 beers. The bartender now wants to make
a little chat with the strange dog and says: "It's not very usual that a dog
comes in here to get a couple of beers".
"No" the Rottweiler says "What do you think when you charge 20 dollars for a
beer".
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he
has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I going to get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program
here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" His father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father
again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!
What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father
will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait
to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the
shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the
morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is
your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak
Street?'
"The father says, "Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
A fellow took his talking dog to a show business talent agent, and the dog
did six or seven familiar old jokes, including a few with French and English
accents.
"What do you think?" asked the dog’s owner. "We’re going make a fortune, right?"
"Well,’ the agent replied, "his delivery’s all right, but his material’s weak."
Time
Did you hear about the dog that swallowed a clock?
He was full of ticks!
We've got a new watch dog."
"Is he a good watch dog?"
"I'll say! The other day he stopped a dirty, old tramp from eating a steak and
kidney pie my mom had left on the kitchen table."
"Go on!"
"He did! He ate it himself!"
Too Many Dogs
Vic: "My wife said if I don't cut down on the number of dogs, she's going to
leave me."
Ted: "That's too bad."
Vic: "Yeah, I'm really going to miss her."
Training
I spent two years teaching my dog to sit. Now, he’s forgotten how to stand.
I took my dog for a walk the other day, but he couldn’t stay with me. So I traded him for a turtle.
My dog is taking an advance course in obedience school. He knows how to fetch, heel, stay, and now he’s working on how to fax.
Thirteen things dogs don't understand
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The command "SHUT THE F*%@ UP!" means just that
5. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
6. Crapping on the floor is not something deserving of a treat
7. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
8. No, we said SIT
9. I know it’s a nice leg, but don't ride it.
10. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and
feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
13. No, it's my food.... Oh all right then, just a small piece.
Tom: My dog knows math.
Dick: Really!
Tom: Yes, I ask him how much is 25 minus 25 and he says nothing.
A dog went to college and came home for the summer. The dog next door asked
how he was doing, and he answered, "I’m doing great in Math and economics, but
I’m really great in foreign languages."
"No Kidding? Say something in a foreign language."
"Meow."
"He used to take his dog to school every day, but he finally had to stop."
"How come?"
"The dog graduated."
Nancy has announced that she’s given up trying to teach her cats to come when she calls. She said she’s moved on to something much easier – teaching the dog to climb trees.
Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans...
** After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run
to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially
good if it's right before your human’s bedtime.
** Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back,
tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really
bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they
think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.)
** Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the
humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans.
Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
** Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around
the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee
will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
** Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk, always pick the busiest,
most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches.
This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic
bag.
** When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a
strange human walks by.
** Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch
with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
** Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the
door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has
happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic stricken and
close to tears).
** When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as
slowly as possible back to the door.
** Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the
humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall
asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive
them nuts!)
What do need to know before you can teach a dog, tricks?
More than the dog!
When a dog graduates from obedience school what does he get?
A pet-degree.
Buffy: "We just sold our Thoroughbred for $2000."
Biff: "We just sold our registered Jag terrier."
Buffy: What did you sell him for?"
Biff: "Wetting on the carpet!"
Q: How do we know that gnus are smarter than dogs?
A: Because you can't teach an old dog gnu tricks.
"I like your new dog. Is he very clever?"
"I'll say! When I say to him, 'Are you coming for a walk or aren't you?' He
either comes or he doesn't!"
A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in, followed by a very large
dog. As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp and jumped up on the
sofa with his muddy paws and began chewing on one of the cushions.
The outraged homeowner, unable to contain himself any more, burst out, "Don't
you think you should train your dog better before you take him visiting?"
"My Dog!" exclaimed his friend, surprised, "I thought he was your dog!"
Two bums were discussing the reasons they became bums.
"I'm a dog trainer who never listened to anyone," said the first bum.
"Shake partner," said the second bum. "I'm the trainer who followed everyone's
suggestions."
I finally trained my dog not to beg at the table.
How did you do that?
I let him taste my wife's cooking.
"I see you dog is back from obedience school."
"Yes, he finished two days ahead of schedule."
"Your dog’s really smart, huh?"
"Not really. He was expelled."
New York City has many dogs, and it’s not uncommon to hear people barking
commands like, "Sit!", "No!" or even "Don’t sniff that!"
But Chris Atkins was taken aback when as the light changed and a number of
pedestrians started to cross the street, a man said to his dog: "Okay, Max,
let’s go. And please, let’s not forget what almost happened the last time. - The
New York Times
"Could we reschedule our tennis match?" my friend asked. "I have to take my
dogs to obedience school in the morning."
"Obedience school?" I answered. "What if they don’t want to go?" - Raul Jose
Transportation
The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the
paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down
the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the
flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. "Are you
OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed
strange movements. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to
do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my
pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it
will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"
Eskimo Boy: I drove a dogsled across the Artic just to see you.
Eskimo Girl: That’s a lot of mush.
Mrs. Smith was backing out of her driveway when she heard a thump. She
stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to se what had happened. There at the
end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on its side. It was dead. Mrs. Smith
felt awful. She knew it was her neighbor’s dog. Looking very worried, she
climbed the front stairs of her neighbor’s house and knocked on his door. She
waited for a couple of minutes. Finally a tall man answered.
"I’m so sorry," Mrs. Smith said. "I was backing out of my driveway just a few
minutes ago when I heard a thump. I got out of my car to see what had happened.
Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway. I’m afraid I ran over him
and I feel terrible about it. I insist on replacing him."
The tall man paused and then said, "Well, I guess you can bring me my slippers
and newspaper tomorrow morning."
Why don’t dogs like to travel on airplanes?
They get jet wag!
A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. He reaches down and sits his dog on the stool next to him.
The bartender says "What'll ya have?"
The man says "I'll have a beer and a bowl of water for my dog."
Bartender says "Coming right up." The bartender gets the man his beer and sets the bowl of water in front of the dog on the bar.
"That's an odd looking dog you got there." Says the bartender. "It looks like he doesn't have any legs."
"Yep, that's right." says the man "No legs at all, he was born that way"
The bartender says "I think that's terrific you adopted a dog with such disabilities"
"Yea" says the man "But he's a lot of work. I have to feed him by hand, take extra precautions when I bathe him, I even have to tuck him in at night in his little bed"
"Wow" says the bartender. "What's the dog's name?"
"Cigarette" says the man.
"Cigarette?! That's an odd name for a dog. Why did you name him that?"
"Well" says the man "Because, every night I take him out for a drag!"
Columbus must have been happy when he saw the New World. There, staring him in the face was a shoreline with a tree. But his happiness was nothing compared to the ship’s dog.
When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts, the woman did
all the work, the men hunted and fished all day and the medicine man didn’t
charge for his services.
Now how did Columbus expect to improve on that?
What’s the difference between a dog who sticks his head out the window and
your little brother or sister?
One’s a neck in the pane, the other is a pain in the neck.
Veterinarian
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Jane: "My dog Lassie is sick so we're taking her to the animal doctor."
Jack: "Gee, I thought all doctors were people!"
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman Pincher to be spayed. As a
veterinary assistant, I escort the patients into the doctor's office. But before
taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the
owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "She's had five litters!" - from Reader's Digest by
June Gouvas
Owner: "Why does your dog always scratch herself in the same spot?"
Vet: "Because that's where she itches!"
A client who felt he was over charged was ranting and raving about his dog’s
bill.
He calmed down quickly when the veterinarian reminded him what happened to
overaggressive males in her clinic.
Veterinarian: "Has your dog ever had fleas?"
Dog owner: "No, just puppies."
Jimmy asked, "Got anything to cure fleas?"
"That depends," replied the vet. "What's wrong with them?"
Vet: I want you to make sure that FooFoo swallows one of these pills three
times a day.
Lady: Don’t be silly. How can he swallow a pill more than once?
What kind of dog would a veterinarian own?
A Laboratory Retriever.
A terrified owner called 911. "Help me!" she said. "My Rottweiler just
swallowed a fork!"
The 911 operator told her not to worry and bring the dog to the veterinarian to
remove the fork as soon as possible.
The distraught woman then asked, "What should I do until then."
The operator said," Use a spoon."
When do veterinarians get angry?
When they run out of patients!
My dog’s nose was so hot; it burned a hole in the back door.
A man limps into the doctor’s office and says he was just bitten by a dog.
The doctor says, "Did you see the sign on my office door? My visiting hours are
only until four."
The man answered, "I’m sorry Doctor, the dog didn’t see your sign!"
The doctor tells the new patient, "Here’s exactly what’s wrong with you. You don’t eat right, you don’t exercise, and your eyes are weak. My sign says I’m a veterinarian."
At John Hopkins, they put the heart of a dog into a human patient. They can’t collect, because the patient keeps burying the bills in the backyard.
A rabid dog bit Tommy. The doctor gives him some painful shots and tells him
to wait in the reception room until it can be discerned if Tommy reacts
unfavorably. The doctor comes out a few minutes later and is puzzled as he sees
Tommy writing madly on a sheet of paper. The doctor says, "There’s no rush to
make out your will."
Tommy says, "This isn’t my will. I’m just making a list of all the people I’m
going to bite."
This man had seventy-two dogs in his house. The doctor told him to stop whistling in his sleep.
What do you do if your Golden Retriever won’t stop sneezing?
Call a Dogtor!
A woman calls the Vet and says, "My dog just swallowed fifty aspirins. What
should I do?
The Vet says, "What else? Give him a headache."
My Vet told me my dog’s operation was routine and not at all complicated.
I told him to remember that when he makes out the bill.
The time came for annual immunizations at our overseas Air Force base. To get
us all vaccinated as quickly as possible, they pressed the veterinary surgeon
into helping out. I got my injection from the vet.
"Wow,’ I said, you did that so gently, I hardly felt it.’
"I have to be gentle, " he said. "My patients can bite."
Walking
Gretchin: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Hans: Does your dog enjoy it?
Gretchin: Yes, but the tramp is getting fed up with it.
Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to the other dog, Wait here a
minute. I’ll be right back." He walks across the street, sniffs a fire hydrant
for about a minute, and then rejoins his friend.
"What was that all about?" the other dog asks.
"Just checking my messages."
I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"
He might be a redneck if when walking the dog they use the same tree – Jeff Foxworthy
Weather
Q: What dog gets rusty if you leave him out in the rain?
A: Rin Tin Tin
It was raining cats and dogs, and leaving little poodles.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
When do you know it’s too cold to go on a walk?
When the dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
What does a dog get when it rains?
It gets wet, silly.
Dog: "It sure is hot!"
Hog: "I know. I'm bacon!"
Why is a dog so hot in the summer?
Because he wears a fur coat and pants.
It sure is hot today.
Yeah, I just saw my dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
California weather is terrific. The other day it was shining cats and dogs.
Wife and Dog
Stan: "I got a dog for my wife."
Dan: "I wish I could make a trade like that."
One golf widow got sick of her husband’s obsession with the game. One day he came home to find a note that said, "Went shopping. Your dinner is in the dog."
A dog is better than a wife. The license is cheaper, there are no in-laws, and it already has a fur coat.
Wife to husband: I want you to explain why I have to wear these same old
clothes, month after month after month!
Husband: Because if you didn’t, you’d scare the dog.
"Your dog bit my mother-in-law this morning."
"I guess you’re going to sue for damages."
"Not if you sell me the dog."
A couple had just had a spat in the car and the wife was fuming. Seeing a dog
walking along the sidewalk she turns to her husband and asks, "A relative of
yours?"
The husband answered, "Yes, by marriage!’
Wife to Husband: "I fell like taking a long, romantic walk in the moonlight."
Husband to wife: "Good idea. Take the dog with you."
Wild Dogs
"Have you ever seen a dog make a rabbit hutch?"
"No, but I've seen a fox make a chicken run!"
A minister was visiting the wife of a member of his congregation. As he sipped a cup of coffee, the door burst open and the husband charged in carrying a dead fox over his back. He started to tell his wife, "Finally got the varmint who’s been at the chickens. I shot him twice and stomped on him and clubbed him until…" He saw the minister, and went on, "Till the good Lord called him home!"
"Why do prairie wolves howl all night long?"
"Because there are no trees on the prairie, just cactus."
Why are cards like wolves?
Because they belong in a pack.
What was that howling I heard all night? I couldn’t sleep a wink."
"That was a Timber wolf."
"Impossible! There are no Timber wolves around here."
"I know. That’s exactly what he was howling about."
How did you get your hands full of splinters?
I was out hunting and caught a timber wolf barehanded.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the
rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want
to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"
A girl can be scared to death by a mouse or a spider,
but she's often too willing to take her chances with a wolf.
Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake. ---Unknown
"Never moon a werewolf."
Zoo
A woman promises to take her children to the zoo. They’ll leave as soon as
the maid comes home to take care of the dogs. However, the maid doesn’t show up,
so the woman calls the zoo and asks if she can bring her dogs along.
The receptionist says, "I’m sorry but we don’t allow animals in the zoo."
Odds and Ends
What is the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears an entire suit and the dog just has a coat and pants.
Why does a dog wear a fur coat?
Because if he didn’t, he’d be a little bear.
Where do dogs buy their underwear?
At K-9 Mart.
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned
mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the
sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited, still nothing. They
searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great
difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting
for it to hit bottom, a large dog suddenly darted between them and leapt into
the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from
the actions of the dog when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had
seen a dog anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the
mineshaft in front of them! The man replied, 'Oh no. That couldn't be my dog,
mine was tied to a railroad tie.'
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys
a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole
year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After
about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard and being ignored
all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.
What kind of dog can jump higher than a house?
Any kind! Houses can’t jump.
I once had a dog that really believed he was man’s best friend.
He kept borrowing money from me.
A dog was tied on a ten-foot leash but walked thirty feet in a straight line.
How is that possible?
The rope wasn’t tied to anything on the other end!
The dogfish in Tennessee are big and mean. People report that they’ve seen two of them tree a bear.
When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his father was angry. But not as much as the family dog.
Q: Who should you feel more sorry for; a cat or a dog?
A: A cat. Because cats are such purr things.
Why
Why Dogs are better than Men:
Why men are better than dogs:
Why men and dogs are the same:
Finally, for the men, why dogs are better than women:
The End
Three young children had a small dog that had died. The children were sad but
decided to give their loyal companion a really nice burial service. They had
gone to church with their parents quite often so they had some idea of how to
conduit the service.
The first step was to dig a grave in a restful area of the yard. Then very
gravely they conducted the burial service. One child held the dog ready for its
interment, while another child solemnly said, "In the name of the Father, and
the Son, and in the hole he goes. Amen."
Epitaph in a dog cemetery: "He never met a man he didn’t lick."
"
Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog."Mr. Jones walked into the bar with his dog Bubba. Ordering a beer while Bubba
sat at his feet, Jones said to the bartender, "Say, I'll bet you a fin
that my dog can talk."
Glancing down at the mixed breed, the bartender pulled a five dollar bill from
his pocket and slapped it on the counter. "You're on!"
Turning to his dog, Jones asked, "What's the thing
on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
Bubba replied, "Roof!"
Scratching his head, the bartender pulled another bill from his pocket and laid
it on the counter. "Five bucks more says he can't answer another
question."
Accepting the challenge, Jones asked "What's a bad place to be on the Golf
course?"
Bubba replied, "Ruff!"
Catching on, the bartender said, Okay, wise guy, fifty bucks says he can't do it
again. Only this time I gat to ask the question." Before Jones could
reply, the bartender took all the money out of his pockets, his wallet and
the cash register and placed it on the bar.
Kneeling down he addressed the dog. "Who was the
greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Bubba replied, "DiMaggio!"
"The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. . . .He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world. . . .When all other friends desert, he remains." - George G Vest
Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a
little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.
"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $10 to
$12."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have
$2.37," he said. "May I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and
whistled and out of the kennel came a dog, who ran down the aisle of his store
followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled
out the lagging, limping puppy and asked,
"What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the puppies came from a farm nearby and that the
puppy's leg had been stepped on by a horse. It would always limp. It would
always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to
buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you
really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He
looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I
don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as
all the other dogs, and I'll pay full price.
In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and $0.50 cents a month until I have him
paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little
dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the
other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his
pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal
brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so
well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands.
The pup never did get to be very fast but a couple of years later he was quick
enough to take a snake bite and save the boy’s life.
"Remember, we're all worth as much as each other... no matter what life has
thrown at you don't ever let anyone tell you you're not as good as anybody else.
"The fidelity of a dog is a precious gift demanding no less binding moral responsibilities than the friendship of a human being. The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be." -- Konrad Lorenz
"How Many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Alaskan Malamute: Let the Black Mouth Cur do it and you can feed me while
he's busy.
Black Mouth Cur: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.
Border Collie: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a tight,
little circle...
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the
dark and no one will notice.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the
couch.
German Shepherd Dog: First, you need to get me the schematic diagrams of
the house wiring. Second, we have to check with OSHA on all pertinent safety
codes, Then,...
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can
I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light
bulb?
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........
Poodle: I'll just blow in the BMC's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am
not one of THEM, so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my
light?
Hound: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz
"All knowledge, the totality of all questions and all answers is
contained in the dog." - Kafka
Lessons learned from my dog.
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their
shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most
effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." - Josh Billings
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was
a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the
dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes
ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit
uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really
delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the
hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. –Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a
computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager
looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the
chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect
letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him,
then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog,
"The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the
manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that
you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I
still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said,
"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
"I used to look at [my dog] Smokey and think, 'If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking,' and he'd look at me like he was saying, 'If you were a little smarter, I wouldn't have to.'" - Fred Jungclaus
Lady's Choice
A Doberman, a Bulldog and a Chihuahua are in a doggie bar having a cool one
when a good-looking female French Poodle comes up to them and says, "Whoever can
say liver and cheese in a creative sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says,
"I hate liver and I love cheese."
The Poodle says, "That's not good enough."
The
Bulldog says, "I love liver and I hate cheese."
She says, "That's still not
creative."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"
Women and cats do as they darned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it. -- Alan Holbrook
Card Dog
Two good ol’ boys were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Black Mouth cur that
used to play cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend
complained about him and I had to get rid of him."
"You got rid of him, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would
be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "caught him using marked cards."
"If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog." - George Bernard Shaw
Beware of Dog!
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER!
BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor beside the cash
register.
The stranger asked the store owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," the owner replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog
to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," responded the owner, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping
over him."
"America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags it's tail it knocks over a chair." - Arnold Toynbee
Dog at the Movies
Jack went to the cinema one day, and in the front row was an old man and his
dog.
During the sad parts of the movie, the dog cried his eyes out. In the funny
parts, the dog laughed its head off. Throughout the film, Jack couldn't help
watching the dog react to what was on the screen.
After the movie had ended, Jack decided to go and speak to the man.
'"I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the
movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots,
and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
The man turned to Jack and said, "Yes, I find it very unusual. Especially
considering that he hated the book!"
"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!" - Groucho Marx
The Smartest Dog Ever
A butcher is shooing a yellow dog from his shop when he sees a $10 bill and a
note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money,
puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and
trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the
bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number,
then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After
awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher
follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this
again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden,
beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big
guy opens it and starts screaming at the dog.
The butcher runs up yells at the guy: "What are you doing? That dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius nothing. This is the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!"
It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?--Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), Pollyanna, 1912
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor,
there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I
can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full
of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream.
A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan
is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head.
"Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night
chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow
the pill!"
"One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him." - Chinese Proverb
"When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day
long." - Unknown
Researches have discovered that dogs can comprehend a vocabulary of 2,000 words, whereas cats can only comprehend 25 to 50. No one ever asks how many words researchers can comprehend.
Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the
bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the
back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I
wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time
they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on
earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
"One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue." - Unknown
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to
save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them
on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the
counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
Q: What's the difference between a man with a missing slipper and a
detective trailing a criminal?
A: One suspects his dog and the other dogs his suspect.
"The dog's kennel is not a place to keep sausages." -- Danish Proverb
"My dog can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings." - Gerald B H Solomon, US Congressman, Entry in contest to identify Capitol Hill's Great American Dog, NY Times 9 Aug 86
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
"When the Man waked up he said, 'What is Wild Dog doing here?'
And the Woman said, 'His name is not Wild Dog any more, but the First Friend,
because he will be our friend for always and always and always.'" - Rudyard
Kipling
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made" --M. Facklam
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking cur dog
wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he
had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the
hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and
slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
"Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well." - Bonnie Wilcox 'Old Dogs, Old Friends'
An older Native American once described his own inner struggles in this
manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One dog is mean and evil. The other dog
is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time."
When asked which dog wins, he reflected "The one that I feed."
"Properly trained, a man can be a dog's best friend." -- Corey Ford
The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
The liquid on the INside of a fire hydrant is H2O
The liquid on the OUTside of a fire hydrant is K9P
T Joiner
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown
"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant." - John Peers
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up
behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad
confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet
on the kitchen floor.
"Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of ther universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made." - Roger Caras
Barking Dog
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44
A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging
up.
The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have a dog."
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Law Suit
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck
ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have
suffered?" stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police
statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you
were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the
case?"
"Yeah, but --" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.
"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident
when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied
the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg
and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at
my horse and shoots him dead.
"Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come
straight over to me and when he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the
circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my
life."
When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs. German proverb
An Atheist
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of
small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists
too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along
with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why
she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my
dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if
your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
From Cheers;
Woody: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."
"If you wish the dog to follow you, feed him." - Unknown
Does your dog bite?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on
the porch.
"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling
and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist
was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't
bit!"
The old man replied, "That ain't my dog."
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
In the Pub
There was a man who ran a pub. He had a dog which he loved dearly, as did
all the customers in the pub. One of the customers had rather too much to drink
one evening and unfortunately drove his car over the dog which died instantly.
There were no obvious injuries except that his tail was severed. So popular was
the dog that the landlord had the tail mounted and hung in the bar.
After the dog died many customers reported hearing a ghostly barking as they
left the pub. Finally one night after time had been called and all the customers
had gone, the publican was shocked to see the dog appear in the bar. After he
had calmed down he began to speak to the dog asking if he was happy in
doggy heaven.
The dog replied that he was but he missed one thing, and begged the landlord to
take his tail from the wall and put back on the end of his body.
"Now Fido", said the landlord "surely you are not asking me to retail spirits
after hours."
"Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end." - Max Eastman
Heaven?
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was just enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying
and that his dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading
them.
After a while they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall
arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a
magnificent gate between the arches that looked like mother of pearl, and that
the street that led beyond the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a
desk to one side.
When he was close enough he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my dog come in too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the
way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, the man came to a
dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"
"Yes, there's a pump right over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't
be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. When they were full,
he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for
them. "What do you call this place?" he asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," he said, "the man down the road said that was heaven
too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the street of gold and the pearly gates? That's
hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out
the people who would leave their dogs behind......."
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." --Will Rogers
God ... sat down for a moment when the dog was finished in order to watch it... and to know that it was good, that nothing was lacking, that it could not have been made better. --Rainer Maria Rilke
The Psychic Dog
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, about an unusual
telephone service call he handled while living in England.
It is a common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by signaling
with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in
England). When the
subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the
conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be
signaled without disturbing each other.
This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did manage to ring, her dog always barked first. Torn between curiosity to
see this psychic pooch and a realization that standard service techniques might
not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing he
telephone and hooked in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's house. The
phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a
ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found;
a. The ground was extremely dry and not making a good connection for the
ground wire.
b. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post by an iron chain
and collar.
c. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
d. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on
the ground.
e. The wet ground then conducted and the phone would
rang.
"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive." - Gilda Radner
Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a
dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a
dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are
you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep
the dog."
The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling
lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying,
beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when
I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the
smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
"Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads." - Harry S Truman
The Rotty Who Knew Too Much
Several summers ago there was a Rotty who went to the country for a visit.
He decided that all the farm dogs were cowards, because they were afraid of a
certain animal that had a white stripe down it's back. "You are a
pussy-cat and I can lick you." the Rotty said to the farm dog who lived in the
house where the Rotty was visiting. "I can lick the little animal with the
white stripe also. Show him to me."
"Don't you want to ask any questions about him?" asked the farm dog.
"Naw," said the Rotty, "You ask the questions."
So the farm dog took the Rotty into the woods and showed him the white-striped
animal and the Rotty closed in on him, growling and slashing. It was all
over in a moment and the Rotty lay on his back. When he came to, the farm
dog asked "What happened?"
"He threw vitriol," said the Rotty, "but he never laid a tooth on me."
A few days later the farm dog told the Rotty there was another animal that all
the farm dogs feared.
"Lead me to him," said the Rotty. "I
can lick anything that doesn't wear horseshoes."
"Don't you want to ask any questions about him?" asked the farm dog.
"Naw" said the Rotty. "Just show me where he hangs out."
So the farm dog led the Rotty to a place in the woods and pointed out the little
animal when he came along.
"A clown, a pushover" said the Rotty as he closed in, leading with his
left and exhibiting some mighty fancy footwork. In less than a minute the
Rotty was flat on his back, and when he came to the farm dog was pulling quills
out of him.
"What happened?" asked the farm dog.
"He pulled a knife on me," said the Rotty "but at least now I know how to
fight out here in the country, and now I'm going to beat you up." So he
closed in on the farm dog, holding his nose with one front paw to ward off the
vitriol and covering his eyes with the other paw to keep out the knives.
The Rotty couldn't see his opponent and he couldn't smell his opponent and he
was so badly beaten that he had to be taken back to the city and put in a
nursing home.
Moral: It is better to ask some of the questions than to know all the
answers.
"Even the tiniest Poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart." - Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within
A Dog's Telegram
On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from
her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.
"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your
telegram?"
"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.
The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the
same price."
The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
"Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs." - Martha Scott
Window Shopping
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a department store.
The man walks into the middle of the store, picks up the dog by his tail, and
starts swinging the dog around in circles above his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thought this was quite strange.
So he decided to find out what was going on. He approached the blind man
swinging the dog and asked "Pardon me, may I help you with something?"
The blind man says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." - Roger Caras
Wife: We've got such a clever dog! He brings in the daily newspapers
every day."
Husband: "Well lots of dogs can do that."
Wife: "But we've never subscribed to any paper."
Husband: "Huh!"
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." --Dave Barry
Service with a Smile
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on
his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He
is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog
steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had
to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And
I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome
at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here,
too." .
"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." - Milan Kundera
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure
my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and
I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb
backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.
Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you,
lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Circle Flies
After catching a hunter with one squirrel over the limit, a game warden
started to lecture him about the game laws, pompously implying that the hunter
didn't know how to count, didn't care about going over the game limit, etc.. and
trying to make him feel as stupid and scuzzy as possible. He finally started
writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around
his head.
The hunter said, "Having some problems with those circle flies are ya?"
The warden paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they
are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The hunter was pleased to enlighten the warden. "Circle flies are common in the
woods. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling
the scat left by wild animals."
The warden continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you calling me
what I think you're calling me?"
"Oh no, officer." The hunter replied. "I have too much respect for law
enforcement and game wardens for that."
"That's a good thing," the warden said rudely, then went back to writing the
ticket.
After a long pause, the hunter added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
"A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue."- Anonymous
You care for nothing but shooting, dogs, and rat- catching, and you will be a disgrace to yourself and all your family. Robert Darwin, to his son Charles (recounted in Darwin's autobiography)
17 Mules - 3 Sons
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The
instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the
second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing
the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to
settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore
got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest
son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having
settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
In Washington, it's dog eat dog. In academia, it's exactly the opposite." Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has
stolen our tent."
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret
Why God created Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I
do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember
how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with
you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love
you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he
wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was
comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord &
said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a
peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that
he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be
with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of
his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And
when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme
being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic." - Henry Ward Beecher
Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking
for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a
strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he
heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation
after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for
more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you". Totally rattled, he shone his light
around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot
'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name an American
Bulldog 'Jesus'!"
Bear in mind, if you are going to amount to anything, that your success does not depend upon the brilliance and the impetuosity with which you take hold, but upon the ever lasting and sanctified bull doggedness with which you hang on after you have taken hold. ~Dr. A. B. Meldrumss
If
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of
your, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you are almost as good as your dog.
"No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich." --Louis Sabin
No Change
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I
would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute
little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I
come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."
A father gave his daughter an untrained, pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour late, when walking into the kitchen he found her looking at a piddle in the center of the floor. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." -- Mordecai Siegal
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I
saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
"No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has." - Will Rogers
A man walks in to find his five-year-old son roughly jerking their dog's
leash. Fuming he yells, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?!"
"I don't know," said the kid. "How much did you see?"
Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog. --Ernest Thompson Seton, American writer and naturalist.
How to read Instructions
One of my dogs is a Pug. Pugs are very prone to seizures and typically take
phenobarbital for their entire lives to keep this under control. When I recently
picked up her prescription, which is made out to "Sparkle (Dog)", it had a
sticker on it warning her that "May cause drowsyness, Alcohol may intensify this
effect, Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery."
Needless to say, we no longer let her drive her backhoe.
"The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor." Margot Kaufman, American writer
An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she
couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I
realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned
on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had
finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I
never realized they had to be baptized."
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat
And you always wondered how
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of puppies. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy puppies
and two girl puppies."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed
on their bottoms.
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -- Gene Hill
Turn about is ...
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a Vet - I don't
need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a
prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. ...Of course, if ~that~
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
How To Photograph A Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying "older, trained" rescue dog.
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."- Michael Friedman
A Long Dog Joke
An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts
of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair,
a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in
town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day.
Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs
would bring in.
The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to
chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace
would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town
to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take
him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of
the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in
his step and a whistle on his lips.
Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his
wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't
seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the
floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish
the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone
tomorrow.
When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what
the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to
be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hired someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders
stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A
walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old
shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual
on the lawn.
When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man
how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him,
and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight
and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had
no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had
ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover
to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant
to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that
morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther
away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran
into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he
had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did
happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music
history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are
privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A
grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."
Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. -- Joe Gores
Maybe this is all of us once in a while.
The man whispered, "God, speak to me," And a meadowlark sang; but, the Man did
not hear.
So the man yelled, "God, speak to me!" And, the thunder rolled across the sky,
but the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said, "God let me see you," and a star shone brightly.
But, the man did not notice. And the man shouted, "God show me a miracle!" and a
life was born; but, the man did not know.
So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here!"
Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man; but, the man brushed the
butterfly away...... and walked on.
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"- Anne Tyler
A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a
burglar would awaken the household by falling over him. -Anonymous
Imitating My Dog
Don't take this the wrong way, but for the longest time now, I have Been
trying to imitate my dog.
Not his look, which is furry and chestnut brown. Not his walk, which, as with
most golden retrievers, is more of a waddle.
And not his tail. I don't need a tail. I have enough trouble buckling my pants
as it is.
Also, I can live without his bathroom habits, which can be summed up this way:
"Tree or bush? Tree or bush? Aw, how about right here on the grass..."
No, what I admire about my dog is his fascination with the simple routine of
life. Every day for him is like boarding the space shuttle. For example: In the
morning, I tumble out of bed, grumble, yawn, open the door, and ta-da! There he
is, the canine answer to Richard Simmons. He is so worked up, he doesn't know
which way to go, toward me or away from me. So he does both. "Oh boy oh boy oh
boy!" he seems to pant. "It's morning and I'm gonna eat!"
Never mind that he has eaten every morning since he was born. Or that he's had
the same food every morning since he was born -- and that was 11 years ago.
Never mind. He pulls me downstairs and waits breathlessly as I scoop yet another
helping of boring brown nuggets into his bowl.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Food, food, food!" I yawn. Three minutes later, he is off
the food thing and into a new obsession: going out. Again, he runs forward and
backward. "I'm going out! I'm going out! Is this great or what?"
Never mind that going out has not changed one bit since we've lived here. He is
so thrilled by the notion of "exit" that he almost bites the doorknob off.
He bolts into the backyard as if heading for Tomorrow Land with a sack full of
"E" tickets.
I slouch and yawn again. The great indoors. Then comes with the "bathroom"
routine, which I already have described. Humans deal with these functions
begrudgingly.
Not my dog. It's a real thrill for him. He scouts for the perfect spot as if
looking for beachfront real estate. "Tree or bush? Tree or bush?" And I don't
have that many trees. Then, once his business is taken care of -- and I make a
mental note where we're going to have to shovel come summer -- he is off the
going out obsession and onto a new one: going back in.
It doesn't matter than he was in just two minutes ago. "Things have changed!
Things have changed!" he seems to pant. "I gotta get in there! I gotta check it
out! Hurry up, hurry up!" When I open the door, he bolts in, races back and
forth -- looking for space aliens, I suppose -- and when he doesn’t find any, he
isn't disappointed. Instead, he snarls at some ratty toy he's played with for
months, throws it into the air with his teeth, and watches it land.
"Look at that!" he seems to say. "It goes up, it comes down!"
As I make a cup of coffee, he jumps up to watch. "Whatcha doin? Whatcha doin?
Coffee, huh? That's amazing!"
When I
leave the room and disappear behind the bathroom door, he lies down outside and waits for me to
come out again. If it is only 30 seconds later, he will still react as if I was
a released hostage.
The sunny side. Now, my dog does not work. He does not pay taxes. He does not
create anything new (unless you consider the bushes outside). But he also
doesn't need clothes, doesn't covet cars or jewelry, and doesn't care about
houses, as long as he can find a sunny spot on the floor and lie there for a few
hours.
Meanwhile, I am bored with my same routine. Getting up is a drag. I can't get
excited about breakfast. And going out then coming back only makes me wonder how
many flies I've let in.
So I'm trying to imitate my dog. I'm trying to find wonder in the everyday.
After all, when you think about it, it is pretty remarkable that you open your
eyes each morning. And since every few hours you get to quench your hunger,
well, that's a thrill, when you consider the alternative. So while I can't match
my dog's drool, I am trying to match his zeal.
Don't worry. If you come to visit, I will not mark any walls or furniture. On the other hand, that sunny spot on the floor looks pretty
tempting...
Author unknown
A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express
with his tongue in hours. -Anonymous
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley